How to deal with a break-up

The length of the relationship doesn’t matter, it’s about what it meant to you, and your feelings are valid.

Things you might be feeling

There is no right or wrong way to feel about a breakup, because every relationship is different. But how we feel about ourselves and others can influence how we react to a breakup. Try not to focus too much on the loss of the other person, or how they might be feeling. Think about your own emotions and sit with those feelings.

Loss

Feeling grief or loss after a breakup is something a lot of people feel. Not being able to hang out with your ex, or with the friends you made through your relationship can all add to this sense of loss. You might have a stronger sense of loss if you made plans together that now won’t happen, like going to a festival or party together.

Confusion

You might wonder why things happened, and wonder if you did something wrong or if you could have done things differently for a different outcome.

Sadness

You might feel sad about the great things about a relationship, like feeling loved and appreciated. You might also be sad about losing someone to kiss, cuddle or have a sexual connection with.

Anger

You might be angry with your ex for ending your relationship, or angry with yourself or the situation that caused the breakup.

Let down

You might be disappointed or let down by being hurt or feeling betrayed by someone you trusted.

Rejected

This is a very common feeling if you’ve been broken up with, so know you’re not alone. Being broken up with can make you feel unwanted and that you’re not cared about, but you are.

Loss of identity

Being in a relationship takes a lot of time and effort and you can be wrapped up in being part of a couple. This can make it hard to figure out who you are when you’re not someone’s boyfriend/girlfriend.

Relief

Even if you didn’t want the relationship to end, you might feel relief. Maybe things were tense, or you had arguments, or maybe you just didn’t feel ‘right’ in the relationship.

Blame

You might blame yourself for a breakup, even if you’re not the one who ended the relationship. Maybe you feel like something was said or done that resulted in the breakup, or you might feel like blaming someone else for the relationship ending. While you might want to blame someone or something for the breakup, it’s really important not to dwell on this feeling, and to work towards letting go. Even if you don’t want to.

Moving on: be respectful and limit social media ‘checking’

You might be annoyed, angry or might feel heartbroken, but it’s important not to dwell on what you had, but take steps to move on.

Social media can make it hard to move on, especially if you and your ex share friends, which means you might see what they’re up to online. You could consider muting them on social media while you are in the early days of a breakup, to make things a bit easier to process. It might be hard, but taking time and space, even if you share a friend group, will be good for you both in the long run.

Things you can do to get over a breakup

Feel your feelings

It’s not easy being sad and hurt from a breakup, and it’s understandable that you might want to push these feelings away. But it’s important to feel sadness, as pushing it away can make you feel worse later on. Make sure you do something nice for yourself while you’re feeling sad.

Talk to someone you trust

It’s okay to go over the breakup to make sense of it and accept that the relationship is over. It’s nice to do this with someone else, someone who will listen to you and who cares about you.

Focus on what you want to do

At first, being single can feel scary but it’s important you embrace it. It can be nice doing what you want to do, without considering what someone else wants to do. You’ll probably have more free time after a breakup, so spend it hanging out with friends you’ve not seen in a while.

You might also have stopped doing certain things to prioritise spending time with your ex, but now you can do things you like. Getting back to hobbies and interests from before your relationship can help rebuild your confidence and sense of self. You could even try something new!

Avoid alcohol and drugs

It can be tempting to use drink and drugs to try to cope with the hurt and sadness after a breakup. But it’s not a good way to manage your feelings and learn how to cope with sadness and upset.

Drink and drugs also lowers boundaries, leading people to do things they wouldn’t normally do. If you’re upset, it’s not worth adding alcohol into the mix and potentially drunk texting or phoning something in the middle of the night.

Focus on the good things you did

A lot of people focus on the mistakes they made in a relationship after it ends, but it’s important to think about the good things you did. Remember that you let someone in, got close to them, made them feel safe, and tried to connect with them. This isn’t easy to do! So well done for doing it.

When you’re ready to move on, think about things you learned and things you might do differently in future relationships. Just because this one didn’t work out, doesn’t mean you’re not likeable or loveable. If one partner liked or loved you, another one will!

Equally, if you don’t want to find someone new, that’s totally fine – lots and lots of people are happy being single.