Family conflict

Living with family conflict can be distressing, so we’ve asked a Jigsaw clinician for advice on coping, as it’s a common topic for young people who come to Jigsaw.

What causes conflict?

Conflict happens in families or close relationships when people have different points of view and everyone wants to be heard. As you grow up and want to increase your independence, you might clash more often with your family. This is because you’re starting to make up your own mind about things and your opinions might be different to your parents, guardians or siblings.

It can be hard to deal with family conflict because we really care about what our family thinks of us, and because you live with them. You share common spaces with them, which can make it hard to take space away when there’s tension.

How to deal with different types of conflict

As you go through life, you will come across conflict. It’s a part of life, whether we’re directly involved in the conflict, or we’re on the outside, looking in. But conflict, direct or not, can impact us and our feelings.

There’s a big chance that you’ve experienced a disagreement with a family member that’s made you feel angry or upset. It’s almost a guarantee that everyone experiences this. It’s particularly common when there’s high stress or changes happening at home.

Direct conflict

Direct conflict is when you’re involved in a clash with someone, and feel like you’re having the same argument multiple times because everyone involved feels like they’re not being listened to. There is no resolution when you feel like this, but there are tips to help dealing with direct conflict.

Be assertive, not aggressive

Try not to curse, swear or raise your voice. Be specific and clear about what you need and want. For example, say, “We have different opinions about this, but I think/feel/want/need XYXZ.”

Listen and be listened to

You might not want to listen to a family member who disagrees with you, but it’s important to listen to them to try to resolve the conflict. You need to listen to them, to try to understand their point of view. Ask them questions and really listen to their answers. You’d want them to do the same with you. This is called active listening.

Take a break

Active listening is a skill that takes time and patience. It can be hard to do, especially if you’re angry or upset. If you’re not able to actively listen, it’s better to delay the conversation, take a breather and start again when you’re ready to engage. You can say, “I can’t speak about this right now, but we can chat about it later.”

Indirect conflict

Indirect conflict is when we’re not involved in the conflict, but we’re hearing and seeing our family members clash. You might want to get involved and try to solve the problem, it’s rarely possible for someone else to fix a conflict they’re not part of.

Here are some things you can do when living in a home where there’s conflict or tension.

Understand your reaction

When there’s tension and conflict at home, you might feel guilty, angry, anxious or stressed. These are all understandable emotions to experience, but it’s important to know the tension is not your fault. Express your feelings as you feel them, don’t bottle them up.

Speak to someone

Do your family members know that their arguments are having an impact on you? Do you feel comfortable letting them know? If not, is there someone else you trust you can speak to about it?

Set boundaries

If one family member wants to speak to you about their side of the story and you don’t want to, then that’s okay. You’re perfectly within your rights to tell them you don’t feel comfortable with that because you don’t want to take sides. Or maybe you don’t want to hear it at all, and you can tell them to speak to someone else.

Get support

It’s really hard to deal with conflict alone. Chat to a friend or someone you trust, and remember that sometimes it’s easier to speak to a stranger than someone you know. You could speak to a teacher, counsellor or even our Jigsaw chat.

Aggressive conflict

Because emotions are running high during conflict, anger can quickly turn to aggression. But if you’re struggling with anger and managing it without turning aggressive or violent, it’s really important you speak to someone about this.

If someone is violent in your house, you need to reach out for help because no one deserves to live in a violent home. If you’re worried about your safety or the safety of anyone else at home, please phone Childline on 1800 666666 or 999/112 if it’s an emergency.