Friendships and mental health

Types of friendships

You might be in touch with a friend everyday, or once a year, or less. Or you may connect with them everyday online, but hardly ever see them physically.

A friend might make you laugh and cry, but most importantly, they don’t judge you. They accept you for who you are. Friends can challenge us, and that’s how we grow.

Having friends means you’ve a responsibility to be there for them too, even when things get tough. Be aware of your own limitations though. If your friend is feeling down or having a really hard time, you might feel drained after spending a lot of time with them. But if you’re drained every time you see them, it might be worth reviewing why that is.

Losing friends

Sometimes friends naturally drift apart, or just grow out of the things they had in common. It happens and is a natural part of growing up. We change as we get older and so will our interests.

It’s not unusual to lose touch with friends during transitions like finishing school, or college. This can be a very challenging time but even more so if friends seem to move on quickly.

If it’s someone you care about though, maybe it’s worth going the extra mile to stay in touch.

Watch Jigsaw volunteers, Nicola and Sam, talk about leaving friends behind.

How to make friends

When surrounded by your own age group in school or college, people assume it should be easy to make friends. This is not always the case.

Friendships are generally formed around common interests. If there’s no one at school or college that you connect with or ‘gets’ you, try other ways to meet like-minded people. Look out for clubs, sports teams, and meet-up groups. Getting involved in and volunteering for events is also great for meeting new people.

Sometimes we need to force ourselves out of our comfort zone to meet new people and make new friends. But it can be worth it.

Watch Jess and Jigsaw clinician Conor talking about making new friends.

Albha's story

“After finishing school at 18 and taking a gap year, my friends were all in college and I was kind of at a loss of what to do with my time outside of mainstream education. There weren’t many opportunities outside of sports clubs and a not-very-well-run youth club for things to do. I was looking for something different, something meaningful, so I joined Jigsaw as a Youth Advisory Panel member.

It turned out to be a huge lifeline for me as a young person in rural Ireland. During my time there I got the chance to take part in loads of really cool events and experiences, and feel part of something I was proud of with other young people like me in my community.

It was a real launchpad for me in terms of engaging and participating with people and an issue at a level I hadn’t before. It has honestly shaped how my life has turned out now at the age of 24. ”

Toxic friendships

Sometimes we can find ourselves hanging onto friendships that may not be adding to our lives in a positive way. Sometimes, ‘banter’ can go a bit far. If a friendship makes you feel bad, and there’s more negative than good to it, it’s time to ask whether it’s a relationship worth maintaining.

How to address it

Talk to your friend about how they’re making you feel. Be straight with them. Try saying, “I find it upsetting when you…”, “That made me uncomfortable” or “It’s embarrassing when you keep on bringing up that time…”. If they don’t get it and nothing changes, it’s time to pull away.

Of course, this can be easier said than done. You may be friends through a wider circle, or feel that this person is the link to other friends. Feeling you have to continue a relationship that you’re not happy in can cause a lot of stress.

Aim to spend time with people you are comfortable with. The more you do this, the easier it is to get perspective on relationships that are not going so well.

Talking things through

We can’t always avoid people who make us feel bad. Working out how to be around those we don’t really like or make us feel uncomfortable is unfortunately a part of life.

How to approach it

If someone is making it difficult for you to maintain a relationship with them, talk things through with someone you trust. It can make the situation clearer and easier to manage

A family member or friend can help you feel more in control of a difficult friendship. Ensuring we are surrounded by people who make us feel good will have positive effects in all aspects of our lives.

Good communication is important for all relationships, including friendships. Keeping things open and honest and being the same yourself will benefit any friendship you have.