Understanding school refusal
Understanding school refusal
Michelle O'Connor
Help your child face school avoidance with understanding. Find expert advice on how to assist them in overcoming obstacles and seeking help.
It’s normal for children and young people to want to avoid school or ‘mitch off’, but this article discusses emotionally-based school avoidance. This is different to skipping school and it can be extremely difficult when you’re faced with a child who is avoiding school. You might also want to read our article about helping a child who is finding school difficult.
What is emotionally-based school avoidance?
Emotionally-based school avoidance (EBSA) is not something hidden, like skipping school; the young person will be open about wanting to avoid school and will be extremely distressed when you try to get them out the door.
As a parent or guardian, this is challenging, especially when it’s ongoing or they’re in an exam year. It’s important you don’t compare yourself to others; every family is different and every child is, too. Be kind to yourself and try to understand how this is difficult for everyone. By understanding the reason behind your child’s EBSA, you’ll be better able to support them.
Four main causes of emotionally-based school avoidance
School makes them uncomfortable
The feelings are intense and overwhelming for them, and they can’t see how else to cope than to avoid the ‘trigger’ for these emotions. If the underlying issue is anxiety, then you might find our article about childhood and youth anxiety helpful.
They want to avoid social situations
School is a social setting; primary school in particular. There’s no ‘escape’ from your classmates if you’re overwhelmed. And in secondary school there’s more mingling with other students, ones older and younger. There’s reading out loud and there’s group projects. All of this can be a lot for a young person who struggles with social elements. It’s easier for them to avoid school to avoid these situations.
Separation anxiety (from parent or home)
EBSA is more common at certain stages of childhood and adolescence. This often happens at 5-6 years of age, when they’re in primary school. It can also happen going into first year at secondary school when it’s a big change. And, it can happen again during transition year when teenagers are given a lot more freedom in school.
They’re rewarded in some way when they don’t go to school
This can sometimes be as simple as them spending time at home or with a parent. They get to suit themselves, or get one-on-one time when they’re often ‘competing’ for attention with siblings or general day-to-day life.
How to have a conversation about EBSA
When you want to discuss their school avoidance, have the conversation when you and your child are both calm and relaxed, and won’t be disturbed.
Start the conversation positively, and find a way to help your child open up. Don’t say things like, “it’s not that bad”, “why can’t you just go?”, or “what’s wrong with you?”. These comments can lead to children feeling misunderstood and can easily cause them to get defensive and closed-off.
Tell your child you appreciate them telling you how hard they’re finding school and that you want to help make going to school easier. It’s really important to listen to how your child thinks and feels about the problem and ask them for their ideas and solutions before you add your own.
During the conversation, try to establish clear boundaries for what they can do if they don’t go to school; limit their screentime. Set your expectations, for example, tell them to read a chapter of their textbook or revise for exams.
Building skills in young people to cope
When you’re dealing with EBSA, the main thing is to support your child to tackle school head-on and not fall into the trap of avoiding it and let them know you believe in them. You can coach your child to ‘take charge and cope’ when they’re facing their fears and breaking the cycle of avoidance.
Take a look at resources together, so you can both understand when anxiety is showing in their bodies. Talk to them about negative thoughts and how to tackle them. This way you can help them identify triggers and behaviours to push through their avoidance. You can look at exercises to soothe their mind and body, like box breathing .
Praise the effort, not the outcome
It’s really tough overcoming and facing emotionally distressing things, so tell your child you’re proud of them whenever they make an effort. It’s also just as important to make sure you don’t bring it up in every single conversation you have with your child.
When they take positive steps, highlight them and reward them, but don’t dwell on it, either. Make sure any other parents or guardians are on the same page: if one of you is the good cop and the other the bad, it’s difficult for the young person.
Keep your lines of communication with the school open, so they’re aware of the steps you’re taking to get your child back to school. If they miss 20 days or more, the school has to tell TUSLA, so showing the steps you’re taking to overcome this issue is helpful.
Remember: progress isn’t linear
Overcoming EBSA is hard; sometimes something can happen to knock your child’s confidence and they can take some steps backwards. This is totally normal and fine, it’s important to keep the bigger picture in sight. Don’t focus on it, accept a lull in progression and carry on.
If your child has a history of EBSA, it is common for them to experience it more often. You may notice signs of this happening after breaks from school, particularly during the longer ones like Easter, Christmas and summer. But having a nice routine the evening before school can help to lower anxiety levels. Work together to get their uniform and schoolbag ready, and have everything ready to go in the morning. Make sure you keep consistent with the routine.
Your feelings are valid
It’s really challenging being when your child is refusing to go to school. Your feelings are valid and it’s normal to feel frustrated, angry, guilty but know it’s not your fault. And while it’s fine to feel these things, don’t let your child see you upset or angry, it won’t help them to navigate their own feelings.
Speak to other parents and seek support from them. Lean on your friends and other adult family members. But try not to compare your family to another; everyone is individual and every family situation is different.
By looking after yourself, and thinking about your own self care needs, you will be in a better position to support your child. If you need additional support there are other places you can turn to for help:
- Reach out and speak to a healthcare professional like your GP or counsellor
- Contact ParentLine for free and confidential phone-based support
- Seek support from within your own community
- Practice self-care like eating and sleeping well, exercising and connecting with friends
- Read the gov.ie supporting resource for parents/guardians of children avoiding school: https://www.gov.ie/en/department-of-education/publications/wellbeing-information-for-parentsguardians/
Get support
If you’re struggling with how you’re feeling, try talking to friends or family, doing something you enjoy, or getting a good night’s sleep.
If that’s not enough, you can speak to a school counsellor, your GP, or reach out to Jigsaw.
Michelle O'Connor
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