Ask Jigsaw: I miss my ex and want him back

Wednesday, 22 July 2020

I have recently been through I rough breakup. My ex boyfriend got mad at me because I went on a night out without him. He broke up with me over text while I was out that night. He ruined my night and when I tried to ring him he wouldn’t answer me. My ex has often said hurtful things to me before, such as belittling my job towards his and saying how much more money he makes than me.

We argued like any other couple, nothing too reoccurring and not too often. After trying again and again to talk to him after that night out he won’t talk or reply to me. I respect his decision if he doesn’t want to be with me but I feel as though the least he could do if he truly cared about me was just give me and explanation as to why he did what he did.

I wouldn’t call our relationship abusive but he was controlling to a certain extent; getting mad at me for going to concerts / nights out without him, talking to his friends when we both were around them and if I talked to any other boys . I know my worth and I know how he treated me is not on but I can’t help but miss him and want him back. At the minute he is the only person I want to talk to and I genuinely don’t know what to do.

-EvC123

Hi there EvC123,

Breaking up with someone can be a really complicated and emotional time. It sounds like you are reflecting a lot on whether returning to this relationship would be a good thing for you to do. You might feel lonely on your own, particularly when you are used to being able to speak to your ex. It takes courage to seek help from someone new, so thank you for using this space.

Linda

Jigsaw Clinician

It’s possible to improve communication within a relationship, but only if both sides are motivated to improve.

Communication

Honest and effective communication is a big part of a healthy relationship. You have pinpointed some aspects of communication that were not working in yours. It sounds like you’re not able to speak to your ex, as he ended the relationship by text and is not answering your calls. It is hard for us to feel understood if communication breaks down. It’s possible to improve communication within a relationship, but only if both sides are motivated to improve. It’s also important to feel able to assert yourself in communicating what you want from your ex.

Linda

Jigsaw Clinician

Behaviours such as persistently controlling who someone can talk to, when they should be home or repeatedly putting someone down so that they feel worthless can be signs of coercive control.

You mention that your boyfriend could be controlling at times and that how he treated you is ‘not on’. It can be easy to fall into relationships that are ultimately unhealthy for us, but harder to get out. Behaviours such as persistently controlling who someone can talk to, when they should be home or repeatedly putting someone down so that they feel worthless can be signs of coercive control. If you are worried that this might apply to you, you can free call Women’s Aid on 1800 341 900.

Take some time

It is great that you have acknowledged that you will accept his decision not to be with you. Give yourself time to get used to not being in a relationship, and perhaps find ways to be happy being single for now. Know that, even though things feel difficult, they will get easier. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Best wishes,

Linda, Jigsaw Clinician