Ask Jigsaw: I feel that my mother hates me

Friday, 17 July 2020

My mother and I don’t get along. She has admitted to resenting me during one of our arguments. I feel like no matter what I do she gets upset. And even though sometimes it’s clear she’s at fault I blame myself for everything. I can’t help but feel she hates me. She puts so much pressure on me and I don’t know how to handle it. I have a feeling it might also be the fact that I am Bisexual as she has made some comments that have made me question if it’s OK to be who I am.

I’m usually okay because I have my friends to talk to you but since the virus its very hard to talk. I feel maybe she would be happier if I wasn’t here. I still think about something hurtful she said, even though it was a year ago. I feel like I’m being stupid and that I’m overreacting.

I try to talk to her but I’m shut down straight away. I also can’t cry in arguments because then I’m yelled at. And she’s always calling me a liar or saying I’m playing victim. I try to get along with her but I can’t take it anymore and maybe I’d be better off not here at all. I don’t know what to do and this is the only thing I could think of to go to. Any advice?

KM *Please note this question has been edited in length from the original submission.

Hello KM,

Family conflict can be very distressing and now with Covid 19, it can be all the more intense. It sounds like your mother has made some very hurtful remarks to you in the past, and her behaviour towards you can be aggressive. It makes sense that you are questioning your relationship now, and that you are avoiding confrontation. No one should be treated aggressively, or to be made feel like they don’t belong.

Amanda

Jigsaw Clinician

You deserve to feel wanted and loved.

It’s a lot harder to brush off, or bounce back from, hurt caused by close family member. We expect them to be the ones that are most loving towards us. Your reactions are understandable and certainly not “stupid”. You’re trying to handle a very tricky situation and you might be being a little hard on yourself. It’s really important that we acknowledge our strengths in difficult times like these.

It sounds like you have been shut down when you tried to speak to your mother before. Communication is impossible if both people aren’t willing to listen. Perhaps try writing down what you feel to allow your mother time to process this before she responds. Try to avoid blaming and use assertive communication techniques to help you to get your point of view across.

It is not OK

Although arguments happen in families, when a young person is continually subjected to hurtful comments, rejection or lack of warmth and affection, this is not ok. If your mother’s behaviour is ongoing, it would be good to talk to someone who can help you figure out what’s going on and get the right support to help deal with it. Childline are available on 1800 66 66 66 or text 50101 and would be a really good place to start.

If you feel unable to keep yourself safe or feel like you no longer want to be here, then Pieta House can offer support on 1800 247 2747.

Remember that you don’t have to handle this on your own and you deserve to feel wanted and loved.

Take care.

Amanda, Jigsaw Clinician