Being anxious in social situations

What does being self-conscious mean?

Some of us are very ‘aware’ of ourselves around people, watching what we say, how we act or what we do.

Being overly self-conscious means we only focus on ourselves, how others see us and what they are thinking about us. This can make it difficult to focus on others or relax enough to enjoy being around other people.

We can often end up being overly harsh with ourselves when we’re self-conscious. We talk to ourselves in a way we would never do to someone we cared about.

Below are examples of the unhelpful (and not necessarily accurate) thoughts you have if you’re uncomfortable in social situations:

• People are judging you, especially what you say and what you look like
• You constantly wonder what people think about you
• You think everyone thinks you’re stupid, awkward, or weird
• You assume you’re doing something wrong
• Everyone else is perfectly comfortable around people
• Everyone else is having lots of fun
• Everyone else has lots of friends.

If these thoughts become regular fixtures in our minds, social events will get increasingly difficult. Going to parties, meeting friends, or even joining in a conversation can feel uncomfortable. They may even become overwhelming and cause feelings of anxiety.

This can lead to avoiding going out at all because we worry we’ll mess up or make a fool of ourselves.

Avoiding people might seem like a solution, but sadly it will make the problem worse. If we don’t show up or make the effort, we won’t have a chance to break the cycle and challenge some of these thoughts. We will continue to experience anxiety in social situations.

What makes us feel anxiety in social situations?

We can spend a lot of time and energy trying to figure out what others think of us. But the truth is, we never know what people are thinking.

If you think you can, you are just making things up. This is an unhelpful way to think.

We pretend we’re fine

While we may not be able to read minds, we can act. Many of us project an image that everything is fine. When in fact, underneath we’re really struggling with anxiety in social situations.

Unfortunately, this can make us feel even more alone.

When we feel self-conscious and awkward, we tend to look around and think everyone else is grand, that we’re the only one feeling this way. That’s not true. Without a doubt, others are experiencing anxiety in social situations too.

We compare our insides to everyone else’s outsides

Social media didn’t create these feelings of pressure or worry, but it can magnify them. Feeds and stories show friends, family, and even people we don’t know living apparently amazing lives. Photos and videos make their days seem full of non-stop fun, glamour and excitement.

We compare this heavily filtered version of their outside lives to our completely unfiltered internal life of worries and anxious thoughts. This makes us feel inadequate and can cause us to be overly self-critical.

How to manage anxiety in social situations

Remind yourself that everyone experiences self-doubt.

In Jigsaw, when we work with young people going through this, we start by reassuring them how common it is. A lot of young people experience anxiety in social situations. Even the super confident guy or girl in your class doubts themselves every now and then.

Challenge your thoughts

When you’re being self-critical, and those thoughts creep in telling you you’re boring or awkward or whatever, challenge them by saying ‘where’s the evidence?’. Chances are there is no base for these thoughts (remember, mind-reading doesn’t count).

Talk to someone about it

We mentioned earlier that many of us feel this way but pretend we’re fine. People close to you probably have no idea you’re struggling and would love to help if given a chance.

Try opening up to a friend or an adult that you trust about how you’re feeling. Sometimes just saying things out loud can make us feel better.

Figure out when you do feel relaxed and confident

Have a think about when you feel self-conscious and when you don’t and write them down. You can ask your parents for help making the list. Say you dread P.E., for example, but always look forward to choir on Saturday mornings. You leave choir feeling relaxed and happy.

Could you spend more time with choir friends, like arranging to meet them during the week as well? Having that to look forward to might make P.E. more bearable.

Figure out who are the people and what are the situations where you don’t feel anxious. If you focus on them and spend more time with them, your confidence will grow.

Stop predicting the future

When you have an event or situation coming up you’re nervous about, fight the urge to predict the future and decide it’ll be a disaster. The more we tell ourselves we’ll mess up, the more likely we are to do that. Try and be curious about what might happen.

You might surprise yourself. It might not be as bad as you think. Remember the future is never set.

Focus on others rather than the anxiety

At a social event, reduce your self-consciousness by shifting focus from how you’re feeling to the people around you. Make the conversation about them. Ask questions. Be a good listener.

People love talking about themselves (!) and when they relax it can help you relax. By doing this you’ll be less focused on yourself and the way you’re acting.

Check out this TED talk: 7 Ways to Make a Conversation With Anyone

Be kinder to yourself

Watch the way you talk to yourself. Would you ever say those things to a friend?

If the answer is no, then you don’t deserve to be spoken to in that way either. Replace these thoughts with positive statements. Try ones like: ‘I am doing my best’, ‘I have a lot to offer’, ‘I am safe in social environments’.

Try Jigsaw Live Chat to talk online with one of our trained staff if being anxious in social situations is interfering with you getting on with your life.