Brings categories: parent or guardian

Jonathan* is a teenager who was referred to Jigsaw by his GP. Below, Jonathan’s aunt talks about how Jigsaw helped him deal with anxious thoughts and find ways to look after his mental health.

Jonathan’s mother was drinking, and from time to time in hospital with her mental health. His dad was the stable parent in the relationship, but we lost him after a tragic accident. His mother couldn’t help her addiction to alcohol, so she was open to me fostering Jonathan. He came to live with me at the age of seven and his first few years were great, but as he got to puberty things started to slide. It broke my heart when his friends stopped knocking and he started isolating himself.

He’s a really intelligent young fella and likes reading. After our first big conversation about how he was feeling, he left one of his books, The Fault in Our Stars, on the hall landing with a note that said, ‘Read the first page’. He was trying to tell me something, but he hadn’t the words. I knew that something was not right.

One day I got a series of texts from him in school. I could tell that he was anxious. When I collected him that day, he got distressed and spieled off all the things that were upsetting him. I like to take action, so we visited my doctor who referred Jonathan to Jigsaw.

1. Listen

When communicating with a young person, it’s important to listen. This sounds obvious, but it can be difficult not to jump in and offer your point of view.

Listening more than you talk is a good starting point. Being a good listener takes skill and a lot of effort. It doesn’t necessarily come naturally.

2. Give

Give young people time. It’s critical to really give young people time and attention if you want them to experience you as a good listener. We have all, at one time or other, tried to say something important to someone who was not really listening.

They may give this away by fidgeting, looking at something over our shoulder, checking their watch, or interrupting us. Can you recall how this made you feel?

It likely wasn’t a particularly pleasant feeling. You probably didn’t really feel listened to, understood or even important at that moment. If you’re not in a position to listen attentively to a young person, tell them and try choosing a better time for it.

3. Don’t judge

One of the reasons young people might not open up is due to fear of being judged. Convey to the young person in your life you’re not here to judge them, but simply to listen.

Assure them no matter what they say, you will still care and be there for them. You are not going to think any less of them, regardless.

Separating a person’s behaviour from the person themselves can help manage our tendency towards judgement. Another trap we can fall into is jumping to conclusions. Once we do this, we stop listening, rather than truly hearing what the young person is saying.

4. Normalise

Young people can often feel embarrassed or ashamed about their struggles. They often feel very alone, as if they are the only one experiencing these challenges. By normalising a young person’s feelings, you can reassure them.

Make sure you really listen to what is going on for that young person, and ask how they feel about it. Let them know that they are not alone.

Often as parents, all your focus and attention can go on making sure your young people are alright. Understandably, they are your first priority. But with this focus, it can be easy to lose sight of your own self-care needs.

Looking after your own mental health tends to come last on the long list of things to do. While this is understandable, it isn’t sustainable or useful in the long run. To be able to support young people effectively, parents need to be in a good place themselves.

Lockdown has been very tough due to Covid-19. As restrictions ease, self-care really needs to be part of your weekly routine.